Having It Off

*

Diane’s chosen a spot up the canyon–down a dirt road, adjacent to the national forest. Avalanche country. In the winter rangers take up their long probes and poke poke poke all night until they feel something solid. An avalanche is good, but not reliable. Supposed to be something like drowning–they even say you should make swimming motions to stay on top of the wave. But you just can’t manufacture one when you need it.

*

The gun dealer is impatient to go home. One day before Thanksgiving.

––You need to sign this paper. It says you’ve never been arrested.

––Does that count antiwar demonstrations?

This absurd question hangs in he air as the dealer trudges to the back. He begins unplugging display lights.

*

New Year’s Eve. Diane is eating a bowl of Cheerios in front of the TV.

––Hi this is Annie from Huntsville, Alabama.

––Beautiful country down there, Annie. What did we sell you tonight?

––Well I collect Hummel and so does my sister-in-law, so I bought two of the specials, you know, the little boy fishing?

––Aren’t those just darling? We’ve had so many calls tonight from home shoppers all over America. They just love this little guy.

*

Diane is hired to do some wedding photos. The bride is ugly and the groom is drunk. Also the other way around. Rather than document such sad facts, she takes pictures of the light switches, electrical outlets and strike plates. Hardware is often very beautiful and should be acknowledged more. The couple refuses to pay and threatens to sue, but several galleries express interest.

*

One of the kids has croup. He’s coughing and crying and throwing up all at once. His lips are blue. Together they breathe in steam from the shower. It smells like shampoo and soap and wet towels. He’ll have to stay home from school. Have to put if off.

*

Rifle range. It’s all with plaid shirts and ear protectors. the targets are just like big paper dolls. Her gun is heavy and the noise is so bad her lunch threatens to come up. Diane almost drops the thing in from told everyone. It’s nuts to try for distance––this work will be very short-range. She drives back home just as snow starts to fall.

*

A gaunt man is hunkered by the newsstand out of the wind. He’s wrapped in a blanket so only his face shows. Could be any age, He has a cardboard sign: PLEASE DON’T BE AFRAID. I HAVE AIDS. NEED MONEY FOR FOOD AND MEDICINE. T-CELL COUNT=38. LEARN FROM ME AND PROTECT YOURSELF. GOD BLESS YOU. Diane gives him the hot pretzel she’s eating and makes the kids give up theirs too.

*

In the first hospital everyone was healthy but they all had marks on their wrists and weren’t allowed metal utensils. Nobody could leave the building without an orderly. In the second hospital everyone was bald and dying but they all gave up meat and coffee and did leg lifts in bed. Both hospitals had big windows with glorious views.

*

Diane’s been reading up on what could happen. First little clouds float in front of your eyes. Then your vision goes double. They say you might have crippling headaches although you might not. Then you get kind of uncoordinated and act drunk, slurring your words and everything. Iy almost sounds like fun. But after that your face kind of falls down and you can’t smell anything except your own circuits burning.

*

People undermine her intentions with funny stories. Her neighbor’s mother carries a bottle of Lysol in her handbag. Before she touches a doorknob, she sprays it. Before the fork goes in her mouth, ditto. And she’s the sane one. Her sister bring home the food from the grocery, then transfers all of it to disinfected, steam-cleaned plastic containers.

*

Valentine’s Day. She eats a bowl of Sugar Frosted Flakes in from of the TV.

––Howdy this is Patsy from Macon, Georgia.

––Hi Patsy, how’s the weather down that way?

––Just gorgeous the last few days.

––And which of our Valentine’s specials are we sending you?

––The diamonique matching pendant and bracelet. Actually my husband’s buying them for me but he doesn’t know it yet.

––Don’t you just love Valentine’s Day? Now he’ll have to take you out so you can wear them.

*

She photographs a senior citizens dance. The king and queen have never met before tonight. The queen holds her crown on with one hand. In the other she carries a white vinyl pocketbook. The king is shorter than she is. His glasses reflect the flash so his eyes look empty, like Little Orphan Annie. Diane leaves out the back, refusing coffee and cake.

*

Diane goes back home to New York. She inspects the tall buildings, the Brooklyn Bridge, the subway tracks. They all have their advantages, the subway especially. You could trip or someone could sneak up and push you. Happens all the time. It’s wonderful down there––the rich stink of piss, the space-alien gang tags, the legless man in his little red wagon.

 

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